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For a long time I've struggled
With putting on too much weight.
I try to eat what I enjoy
But then feel guilty about what I just ate.
I know alot about calories
And how one shouldn't eat much fat.
But when I'm in a certain mood.
I don't give a DAMN about that!
I eat things that comfort me
And make me feel safe and protected.
But then when the binge is over
I feel bigger and more disconnected.
I've tried to substitute things I enjoy
Like writing, or sleeping, or drawing.
But sometimes nothing but food will do
To stop that inner 'gnawing'.
And there are times I'm not even aware
That there are feelings I am hiding.
I just feel that urgency to eat
And it's totally overriding.
I really need some help with this
I don't see how to stop
I can't have someone with me
Everytime I need to shop!
I guess I'm afraid of what I'll do
If I deny the urge.
What's underneath might rear its head.
As some kind of emotional 'surge'.
The shame I feel at being so big
When I once was quite a lot thinner
Doesn't seem to be around
When I sit down to dinner.
And when I'm in the large-woman store
I'm appalled at the size I wear
But that STILL doesn't curb my appetite
When I walk out of there.
I always imagine that people are thinking
"Gee, she got so BIG!".
And I feel that guys I'd like to know
Must be thinking 'She's really a pig".
I know that sounds judgmental
I probably think it myself.
Maybe it's all a lame excuse
To keep me on the shelf.
I hope I get to the point someday
Where I can stop this behavior.
Some say you have to reach inside
And learn to be your own savior.
But I don't think I can do it alone
I feel quite desperate sometimes.
Even though I make light of it
By expressing the feelings with rhymes.
Well, I've rambled all I want to for now
I hope I'm understood.
Hear me please, I'll say it again
I'M STRUGGLING WITH MY FOOD.
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