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JK's Story 2001 |
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My Compulsive Overeating Story by JK. By the time I was 5, I was as tall as my sister who was 14 months older than me. Very soon after I was taller, and quickly getting "chubby". My earliest memories of food being really important start sometime around 5-6, when my father would be so proud of me for my ability to eat the real dill pickles that you picked out of big barrels at the deli. I remember the stops at the candy store on the way home from school in 1st and 2nd grade, and how I would spend most of the day in school thinking about what I would get. I can remember a feeling like panic, almost tunnel vision once I got to the store...so many choices, how would I pick the most and the best? I was also starting to become aware that the other kids just picked what they wanted and left. Was something wrong with me? Why did I feel safe when I had my goods in hand? My father left our family when I was somewhere around 6-7. I know that this loss seems to have kicked my use of food for comfort into high gear. But I believe I learned to soothe myself with food much earlier in my life. The how and why isn't important to me, but the remembering of the pain associated with abusing myself with food at such a young age still hurts. I can remember sneaking food, hiding food, and bingeing in private in my room by age 9. I would read and eat, eat, eat. It felt so good, so happy and safe. But later I would stand naked in the bathroom and cry as I pressed my palms against my hipbones and laced my fingers across my abdomen to measure how fat I was getting. The kids at school called me names, pushed me, taunted me, without mercy. The pain seared my soul, and the memory still brings tears flooding down my face. "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will break my heart". I was so sure those kids were right, that I was disgusting, fat, and therefore worthless, insignificant, a waste of human life. The more the pain, the more I sought comfort. I knew enough to hide it. Shame doesn't like to be observed. But still I played with the kids who would let me. I rode my bike even though my chest burned with my gasping for air. I skated, went sledding and swimming, played instruments, sang, worked on plays and musicals, and was even a majorette. By Jr. High I was already 5'10", wearing a size 10 shoe. In high school I hit 6', and got up to 250lbs. I walked to school and back, a 2 mile round trip, sometimes twice a day, and played on the basketball team despite the humiliation of trying to fit into a uniform. I think the exercise kept my weight stable for the first time in my life. I was always trying to be happy, and normal. But nothing took away the nagging suspicion that they (the kids) were right. I was dirt. If I wasn't, why wasn't I thin? Why did I have to shop at the chubby girls shop, then the women's department? (It's not a fat shop, btw. They don't sell fat there). Why weren't there clothes that fit me that looked like the other kids'? It all proved I was a freak. I don't remember my first diet, but I do remember lots of starvation diets, one in particular where I ate one hot dog a day, and supplemented it with all the diet soda I wanted, and all the salad I could stand. Boy did I lose weight, until I stopped the diet. Then it came back on, plus some. The same happened for the calorie counting diets, the Ayds candy diet, the diabetic food plan, and so on. After some success I would suddenly "give up", "fail", and generally prove what I already knew. I was bad, bad, bad. After all, if I didn't like being fat, why couldn't I just diet and lose the weight? The same message is being played over and over even in our supposedly enlightened almost 21st century society. But why, if diets worked, is there a $6billion diet industry? If diets worked, wouldn't everyone have lost the weight the first time out? Part of the answer lies with the compulsion to eat. Some call it an addiction. It is an emotional and psychological pull to food, thoughts about food (obsessions) that occupy a great deal of our time. Maybe I could get through a party without touching a thing, but the items on the table would call to me for days, until I answered. The sight of a commercial could trigger a craving so strong I'd weather a storm to get what I had to have. If I didn't get it, the craving would haunt me, for days on end. If I felt anxious, scared, depressed, or almost any other uncomfortable emotion, I had no tools to soothe myself, except food. Someone recently told me they didn't have an eating disorder, they had a calming disorder. It is so true. But think about that party. How did I feel there, especially around all that good food? I felt anxious. What do I do when I feel anxious? I eat. How do I break this cycle? I had to learn how to feel safe feeling anxious, and how to soothe myself. Let me tell you, this was no easy feat. I can't be abstinent like an alcoholic or drug addict and stop using the substance that I am soothing with. But a compulsive overeater must continue to eat. It's like asking an alcoholic to drink everyday but not very much, or to drink vodka instead of the beer they crave. And then, like the addict/alcoholic once the substance is removed, how do I cope? Compounding the compulsion issue is that starvation has been proven to trigger binges. If you deny yourself food, you will crave it. Even animals binge after starvation. Think about stray cats or dogs who are abandoned and starving in the wild. Even when you take them in and have readily available food for them they will gorge. It can take years, if ever, before they can trust that what they need will be there for them. It's survival. The overweight person has an additional problem, because the repeated dieting and bingeing disrupts the satiety signal. (It's not that we don't feel full, we don't feel hungry). I found out there is such a signal at age 39. It is hard for me to recognize it. I often think I feel stuffed, or sick, then I suddenly feel the hunger and panic sets in. My body thinks I am going to starve it again. It urges me to eat, and eat now. Whatever, however, just eat. I have to be very careful not to get too hungry, or else I will not be able to stop eating until I am stuffed. I have learned how to cope with this, but recognition of the problem took a long time. Some obese women say they stay fat to keep men away. Some obese women have been sexually abused, and because they still see it as their fault, they feel safer if they feel unattractive. Some women who have not been sexually abused feel that if a man really loves her, he will accept her fat. It is proof that he sees her for who she really is. Well, then how come she doesn’t lose the weight when in a relationship? Because we still have to learn how to deal with the painful emotions. And to re-program the constant "bad Julie, fat Julie, unlikable Julie" chatter in our heads. There is hope for change, and I actually have made waves of progress, even though my weight is the same. I found out about the non-diet approach to overcoming overeating, and read "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies". It was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. There are other authors out there using similar approaches, like Geneen Roth, but be aware that often the goal is to lose weight, not stop the compulsive eating. Losing weight may be a pleasant side effect to OO, but if it was the focus a chronic dieter and compulsive overeater would focus on that first and foremost. Through OO, I am learning to develop an inner caretaker, to differentiate between mouth hunger and stomach hunger. I found out about BBT's (bad body thoughts), and was amazed at how many times a day I abused myself verbally. I learned that it is vital to legalize all food. There can be no good or bad food, nothing can be denied. This is a very scary thing for chronic dieters to cope with. The fear is that having "trigger" foods around will set off a binge. The truth is that having the food available and plentiful, with no negativity attached to it, causes the glitter of the food to dissolve. Many times foods we have binged on repeatedly become disgusting to even think about. Why eat them? I rarely binge any more for emotional reasons. I hardly ever obsess about food like I used to. If I want it, I eat it. All food is "legal", and now that I can have all I want I find I don't want it, or that I never really liked it. I make sure I eat at public gatherings. I try not to eat if I am not hungry, and I try to stop when I am full. If I overeat, I figure out what the emotions are. I am trying to handle my uncomfortable emotions the best I can, but I am trying not to beat myself up for falling back on my tried and true coping mechanism. When this happens I just don't eat again until I am hungry. No matter what! OO has changed my relationship with food. It is not a fast change, it is slow, and often frustrating or scary. But it took me a long time to get a solid foundation of compulsive overeating, and it is okay to take the time to change that learned behavior. I am still a work in progress, and you can be too!! ~ Julie (1999)
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